“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19 NIV
Isaiah 43:19 is my life verse for the year. Might be the life verse for my LIFE, we’ll see. I’ve discovered that when God leads you down an unexpected path, you have to press in and find the good. You have to seek the new thing God is doing, else you’ll miss out on realizing His amazing grace.
This post may be a bit all over the place, but I want to share the story of my season at the end of 2015. It’s captured through the following words which I journaled on New Year’s Eve:
2015 was a good year, but the period between November 13 and December 10 will go down not only as the highlight of the year, but as the season of my life so far.
On Friday, November 13, I found out I was pregnant! From then to December 10 — what a journey. The nausea, tiredness, thoughts about the direction of my life from that point forward, etc. — it was happy, hard, exciting. Then, as quickly as it all seemed to have come, it was soon over. On December 8 at my first prenatal appointment, the doctors could find no heartbeat in the six-week-old life inside me.
So many feelings, so many thoughts. When it finally hit me, I was crushed. I’d gotten used to, and even embraced, a life without children, but now that we were truly without this wonderful surprise that had come our way, it was the worst feeling ever.
On December 10, I had the surgery to remove the fetal contents of my uterus. I wish I’d thought to say a prayer just before or say good-bye, but I didn’t. I was given a two-week recovery time after the 10th, and I allowed myself to heal, feel, be emotional, whatever it took and was needed to get through. After the two weeks, I just pressed through to now, the end of the year.
It’s amazing how I could fall in love with a six-week-old being. But in all of my life, I’ll never know of a greater earthly love, nor will there ever be a greater earthly loss than what was at the end of 2015.
The next day, January 1, 2016, the first part of my journal entry was this:
2016 has started, and I must stand in this new day, much as I wish I could hold onto the latter days of 2015. I’m in pursuit of the “why” of that season — why it came generally, the timing of it, my thoughts and feelings during it, and the abrupt ending of it. Every day I’ll be looking for these answers…
What has pursuing “why” brought so far? I do know that even with loss, I count it ALL a blessing! God chose my husband and me to be the source of life for an angel, and I’m thankful for that.
Next, I was reminded that believers are called to put total trust in God. It’s His will, when He says. When we were married, my husband and I left it up to God as to whether we’d have children. When pregnancy wasn’t happening, we didn’t allow our hope to wane, but put our focus on our nieces and nephews, and were thankful to be able to love and enjoy and support them. But when GOD says, Let there be, it will be! And tough as it may be, when HE says it’s done, it’s done.
Lastly, God brought me to His Word and the life verse above. I remember feeling the need to purge in the weeks following the miscarriage. I went through clothes, books, and other belongings and threw away or gave away things I didn’t want or need. I shut down all of my social media accounts, took a blog break, cleaned out email folders, paper files, etc. Even spiritually I was letting go of old thoughts, people connections, saved Bible teachings and studies that weren’t food for me any longer… I mean I needed to do this. Looking back, I realize I was starting over. I was beginning to forget the former things (Isaiah 43:18), and was daring to believe there was a new path ahead of me.
Is starting over easy? No. To be honest, I’m still seeking, still pursuing the why. I don’t know if God will impart anymore to me than what He has already, but I pray to have a spirit ready to receive. Here at the start of 2016 I’m focused on physical healing, but I remain so grateful for that season in 2015.
Remember: it’s about when GOD says, even if it’s meant to include a loss. His will is perfect, His love is abounding, and His grace is amazing.
God has brought us all through our various seasons. I pray these words have encouraged you to keep pressing through to the new!